A Random Act of Blogging

1. Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2. Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
3. Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bast! ards.
4. If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
5. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done. New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
6. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
7. Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
8. The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge azzhole.
9. I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
10. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
11. Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”
12. I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
13. If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
14. No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
15. No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
16. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t care in the first place.

Humor

You’re an 80’s kid if:

1. You ever ended a sentence w/ the word “SIKE”
2. You watched Pound Puppies
3. You can sing the rap to “Fresh Prince of Bel Air”
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
5. You yearned to be a member of the babysitters club and tried to
start one of your own.
6. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls
7. You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey on “Blossom”
8. Two words: M.C.Hammer
9. If you ever watched Fraggle Rock
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars. (HECK YEAH!!!)
11. You can sing the entire theme song to “DuckTales”
12. It was actually worth getting up on Sat morning to watch
cartoons
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head
14. You saw “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” on the big screen
15. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer
class.
16. You had a clip that held your shirt in a knot at the side
17. You played the game MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it
19. L.A.Gear… need I say more
20. You wanted to change your name to “JEM” in kindergarten
21. You remember all of the Ramona books
22. You know the profound meaning of “WAXON, WAX OFF”
23. You wanted to be a Goonie
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing (some head to toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson REALLY looked like
26. You ever wondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf
27. You took lunch pals to school
28. You remember the CRAZE! , then the BANNING of slap bracelets
29. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after every sentence
30. Barbie and the Rockers were your fav band
31. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up
32. You thought your childhood friends would never leave you b/c
you exchanged friendship bracelets
33. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes (and probably in neon
colors)
34. After Pee-Wee’s Big Adventures you kept saying “I know you are
but what am I”
35. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
36. You remember skating before inline skates
37. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip-n-slide
38. You had a Skip-it
39. You had or attended a b-day party at Mc Donald’s
40. You’ve gone thru this nodding your head in agreement
41. “Don’t worry, Be happy!!”
42. You wore like 8 pair of socks over tights w/high top Reeboks
43. You wore socks scrunched down
44. ! “Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK”
45. Boom boxes vs. Cd players
46. Both Gremlin movies
47. “CARE BEAR STARE!!!”
48. You remember Rainbow Bright and My Lil PonyTales
49. You thought Doogie Howser was hot!
50. Alf, the furry brown alien from Melmac
51. New Kids on the Block when they were cool
52. Knew all the characters and there life stories in the ORIGINAL
Saved By the Bell
53. Know all the words to Bon Jovi-SHOT THRU THE HEART
54. You just sang it to yourself
55. You remember when Mullets were cool
56. You tight rolled your pants
57. You owned a banana clip!
58. You send this to only your friends that will remember this
too!!!!!!

Humor